Simply Put
by Varietygirl9143
Summary: A collection of extremely random summaries of any ship I feel like writing about. Feel free to put in a request. Warning: has caused massive bouts of quizzical look-itis.
1. DracoxHermione

**Simply Put**

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I disclaim.

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_The shortest Dramione ever._

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Draco and Hermione fight.

Draco randomly rejects his family, belief system, pretty much everything.

Hermione randomly accepts everything about him, even the Sesame Street tattoo on his upper thigh.

Draco and Hermione keep their sudden, random relationship a secret because they know Harry and Ron and pretty much everyone won't be happy.

Harry and Ron and pretty much everyone figure it out because Draco and Hermione aren't very subtle.

Harry and Ron and pretty much everyone get not happy. They get very mad.

Hermione manages to convince everyone to accept everyone.

Draco and Harry become best friends… but not Ron, because Ron sucks. So Ron isn't invited to any slumber parties.

Everyone is happy. Especially Hermione.

The End.


	2. HarryxHermione

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Harry/Hermione ever._

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Harry and Hermione are friends.

Ron does something stupid, leading Harry and Hermione to realize that they love each other as more than friends.

Harry and Hermione are no longer friends.

They are now lovers.

Harry and Ron are no longer friends, because Ron sucks.

Hermione and Ron are no longer friends, because Ron sucks.

Harry and Hermione snog.

Ron cries.

The End.


	3. RonxHermione

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Ron/Hermione ever._

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Ron and Hermione like each other.

Neither is brave enough to tell each other how they really feel.

The readers are sick of the tension.

The readers therefore go write tons of Slut!Hermione and Obvious!Ron fanfiction.

Ron and Hermione finally get a clue.

They kiss.

Harry averts his eyes.

Everyone is happy.

The End.


	4. NevillexLuna

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Neville/Luna ever._

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Neville likes plants.

Luna likes invisible animals.

The readers swoon.

Neville and Luna get it on.

Everyone is happy.

Then J.K. Rowling decides to put Neville with Hannah Abbot.

Everyone cries.

Readers then write plenty of Evil!Hannah fanfiction.

The End.


	5. SiriusxHermione

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Sirius/Hermione ever._

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Hermione was in the library. A bookshelf mysteriously made a mysterious portal to the past.

Hermione decided to explore the deep, dark unknown because in this chapter, she has the brain of a chicken.

The portal to the past took her to the 1970s where she met up with the Marauders and assimilated like you wouldn't believe.

Sirius Black thought Hermione was hot and then told her so.

"Like whoa, you're hot!"

"Like whoa, you are too!" Hermione replied, not caring that this was her best friend's godfather and that he was really a good twenty years older and the idea of them hooking up was kind of creepy when you thought about it.

But they ignored the creepy thoughts and kissed each other passionately.

Then Hermione went back into the present. And Sirius still thought she was hot.

The End.


	6. DracoxPansy

**Simply Put **

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_The shortest Draco/Pansy ever._

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Pansy was a slut, all the fanfiction said so, therefore it must be true.

Draco was a hot piece of arse, all the fanfiction said so, therefore it most definitely is true.

But Draco and Pansy were still going out. J.K. Rowling said so and her word is law.

Draco wasn't very nice. He called people names like 'snot-nose' and 'ugly.' It was a huge turn-on for Pansy.

Pansy was also not very nice. She laughed at people when Draco called them names. It was a huge turn on for Draco.

Together they crushed the dreams of their peers, effectively lowering said peers' self-esteem to 'negligible.'

Draco and Pansy were perfect for each other.

The End.


	7. DracoxHermione Part II

**Simply Put **

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_The Second shortest Draco/Hermione ever._

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Soon after graduation, Hermione decided to use her education to become a world famous supermodel/singer/actress/comedian. Meanwhile, Draco inherited the family business, which his father sneakily switched from Death Eaters R Us to Malfoy Limited, with both Wizard and Muggle branches.

Immediately following her shocking career change, Hermione decided to change her name to Minnie, because her secret wish was to be associated with all things Disney.

Then without any warning, Draco woke up and declared that he loved Minnie Granger the biggest Muggle/Wizard supermodel/singer/actress/comedian sensation since Cher.

So Draco zipped over to Hermione's massive mansion to request an audience with his ladylove.

Minnie granted him an audience.

"Minnie! I love you! Wait, where are all your books? Didn't you used to be a fugly nerd or something?"

"Yes, but that's in the past, Draco my love! Books are useless! They try to destroy my good looks!"

"Right."

And then they snogged and everyone was happy.

The End.

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**I understand that this chapter was a little odd. Let me explain: I recently read a story that was pretty much what I wrote just now, except longer and without the sarcasm or humor. I think I lost a few brain cells just by reading it.**


	8. HarryxGinny

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Harry/Ginny ever. By request of _amy-the-rat._ Here you go!_

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Harry and Ginny met in a train station.

A dirty, crowded, noisy train station. The stuff of cheap romance novels.

Ginny immediately knew that she was destined to stalk this boy all through their school years. Harry however, just thought she was a midget. Oh, how his thoughts were changed.

As the years passed, Harry grew into a man. A very fine man. And Ginny grew into a woman. Harry, being a man, noticed that Ginny, being a woman, had grown. And he liked what he saw.

So he snogged her. And she snogged him. And everyone was happy. Except, of course, the fanon shippers. They went off and retaliated by writing plenty of Harry/Pansy and Draco/Ginny fanfics.

The End.

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**I personally have nothing against Kings Cross. I'm sure it's quite clean. Never fear, Harry/Pansy and Draco/Ginny will indeed be covered. **


	9. HarryxLuna

**Simply Put **

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_The shortest Harry/Luna ever. By request of _Amy-the-rat _again. Enjoy!_

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Harry was sad: everyone he loved was dying. Luna was unconcerned with Harry's petty troubles. She was busy feeding her Irish Potato Bugs.

Harry came to Hogwarts and saw thestrals, because everyone he loved had died. Luna was still unconcerned. She had been able to see thestrals before she had been able to walk!

She told Harry so.

"Yay! Someone like me!" Harry exclaimed. "Let's have babies."

"How about not," Luna said dreamily, because that's how she always talked.

"Ok!"

So they ate face instead.

The End.

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**If there's one thing about fanon!Luna that I hate more than anything it's that she's always talking "dreamily." Oh ye uncreative bunch. Grab a thesaurus and find a different word to use before I come and hurt you.**


	10. SnapexHermione

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Snape/Hermione ever. By request, once more, of _Amy-the-rat_. You have the rare talent of requesting the ships that I secretly fantasize about parodying. _

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Professor Snape was feeling randy. He decided to grab the first student who entered his classroom and ravish them.

Just then Neville Longbottom walked into the room.

"Scratch that," Snape said hastily. "I'll go for the second student."

Just then Hermione Granger skipped merrily into the room.

"Are you ready for the tutoring session, Neville?" she asked happily.

Snape grabbed Hermione and threw her over his shoulder, ready to enter his bedchamber.

"Leave us, Longbottom! You're not wanted here! Miss Granger's doing extra credit," Snape said silkily.

Turning, he brought Hermione into his chambers.

"But, Professor! I'm still a student!" Hermione protested.

"It's not my fault that Rogaine makes my hair greasy!"

"That didn't have anything to do with anything, but ok!"

And so they snogged.

_Ew._

The End.

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**Snape/Hermione is possibly the most disgusting ship to ever hit the fanfic scene. But that's just my opinion. Oh and one more thing, why is Snape always talking silkily?**


	11. HarryxPansy

Simply Put

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_The shortest Harry/Pansy ever._

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Pansy Parkinson had a deep dark secret. She was madly in love with Harry Potter. She couldn't keep her mind off him and his perfectly mussed hair, his Quidditch-toned body, and his extremely good luck. Not to mention his rad DADA skills.

Best of all, he was forbidden.

So she waited until he was alone, then she kidnapped him and force-fed him a love potion. In all honesty, Pansy was surprised that she'd managed to get her hands on a love potion, but then she remembered she was in fanfiction land—a magical place of irresponsible potions masters who let their students brew illegal love potions and then leave said illegal potions out in the open where anyone could use them.

Now Pansy's world was a beautiful place where Harry loved her more than chocolate frogs.

The only problem was, now that Harry wasn't forbidden Pansy lost all interest in him.

So Harry went to Draco Malfoy because Draco owed him for the year's supply of Aquanet he had given the Slytherin. Draco grudgingly agreed to convince Pansy that Harry was indeed forbidden. And so Harry and Pansy stayed together for the rest of their lives.

And Draco occasionally reminded Pansy that Harry was forbidden, sparking intense snogging sessions.

The End.

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Excuse my brief rant: Quidditch is not going to tone anyone's body. You sit on a broom. There is absolutely no activity in the sport that will give any guy any sort of huge muscles. ::ahem:: Now that that's done….

I'd use my love potion on Ben Barnes.


	12. Interlude

**Simply Put **

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_Interlude_

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The Death of Harry Potter, an Interlude

_By Draco Malfoy_

Harry Potter is, in short, a pain in my arse.

If I were to have my way, he would have been killed a _long_ time ago. But no, the 'wonderful' Mrs. Rowling decided that her little Hero needed to live out all seven books. Not even Lord Voldemort, the supposed most powerful wizard of our time, could defeat the bugger!

However, I have concocted a foolproof plan—one that not even Ron Weasley could mess up.

Step one: create port-key. Potter proved in our fourth year that even he can't detect port-keys one hundred percent of the time.

Step two: give Potter the port-key. Being undetected, the port-key shall bend time and space to do my bidding.

Step three: Potter is transported to Tasmania. Tasmania, being an island, shall prove impervious to Potter's escape techniques.

Step four: send killer chimpanzees after Potter. Step four is self-explanatory.

Step five: laugh evilly.

And thus, the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Irritate-Me shall be no more.

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**Even by my standards, that was really weird. And no, Harry can't simply Apparate off of Tasmania—it's against the rules of fanfiction deaths.**


	13. HarryxDraco

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Harry/Draco ever. By request of _Amy-the-Rat _and_ I Own the Python's Cheese Shop_. Once again, you picked one that I had secretly planned on doing!_

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Draco Malfoy had a secret. A very _secret _secret. He was secretly… in love with Harry Potter.

Harry Potter had an even secret-er secret. He was secretly in love with Draco Malfoy.

Only, neither of them knew it yet.

But the sick little fanon writers soon informed them.

And so, Draco and Harry (who were both hot pieces of arse—all the fanfiction said so) made hot-arse love-y faces at each other.

"Oh Draco!"

"Oh Harry!"

"Oh Drakey!"

"Oh Harry-berry!"

Oh puke.

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**Again, based on a real story. Only this time, I didn't actually read it. I was told about it. **


	14. RonxLuna

Simply Put

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_The shortest Ron/Luna ever. As an added bonus, Ron says something unbelievably logical! By request of _Amy-the-Rat _and _I Own the Python's Cheese Shop.

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"I will not look like a baboon's backside," Ron imitated Crabbe or Goyle or whoever, no one could tell them apart anyway.

The others in the train car laughed loudly. Luna Lovegood laughed for entirely too long.

"Wow, someone who thinks I'm funny! Hawt," Ron said.

"But… I think you're funny!" Hermione said.

"Sorry, Hermy, you're cute and all, but I've always had a thing for blondes," Ron crushed Hermione's hopes and dreams. "Besides, I've always thought of you as more of a sister! Plus this way, I create a domino effect among the ships. See, by crushing your hopes and dreams, I've sent you running to Harry who in turn crushes Ginny's hopes and dreams and sends her, for some ungodly reason, to Draco Malfoy, who likewise crushes Pansy's hopes and dreams and sends her running to Neville and Neville doesn't have anyone to crush except fan girls and they'll get over it.

"Wow, Ron, that was unexpectedly deep," everyone said.

"I'm blonde too, you know," Lavender said silkily.

"Yes, but nobody likes you," they all reminded her.

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… sorry… I haven't updated in who knows how long…. Go ahead and throw rotten cyber tomatoes at me. Good news is, I've got plenty of ideas. So expect another update soon.

**Oh yeah, and Happy New Year!**


	15. HarryxCho

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_The shortest Harry/Cho ever._

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Cho cried.

A lot.

Harry didn't cry. But he noticed Cho did. It was hard not to notice. She cried a lot, after all.

Harry decided to distract her.

So he kissed her. Good distraction.

But the plan didn't work as well as he thought.

They were very wet kisses.

The End.


	16. DracoxGinny

Simply Put

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_The shortest Draco/Ginny ever, by request of _Red Bess Rackham_._

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Draco Malfoy was the kind of boy who liked to annoy his enemies.

_Today, _he thought, _I shall annoy Ron Weasley. I hate him._

So Draco approached Ron's sister, Ginny.

Ginny was feeling like a feisty little beast that morning.

_I feel feisty today_, she thought.

So, for some unknown reason, she approached Draco.

Insert witty repartee here.

"Oh," they both said. "That was witty. It appears I've found my soul mate!"

So they went off to do soul mate-y things together.

The End.


	17. NevillexHermione

Simply Put

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_The shortest Neville/Hermione ever, by request of _Red Bess Rackham.

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Neville is a nervous young lad.

Hermione is a kind-hearted bookworm.

Neville thinks bookworms have something to do with the plants he loves so dearly.

Hermione isn't getting any with Ron, so she and Neville get it on.

Neville discovers that bookworms aren't really worms, but strangely, he's ok with that.

The End.


	18. SnapexLily

**Simply Put**

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_The shortest Lily/Snape ever, by suggestion of _Red Bess Rackham.

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Young Severus Snape sat behind a conveniently large rock next to the Hogwarts Lake, trying to avoid anyone and everyone. James Potter (the fiend) had hexed him earlier, causing him to blurt out uncomfortable truths to anyone who talked to him.

Just then, Lily Evans joined him behind his rock.

"I'm hiding from James Potter," she explained breathlessly.

"I used to follow you around back home!" Snape blurted out.

"What? Creep."

"I like to watch you sleep!" Snape exclaimed loudly.

"Stalker!"

"I think your red hair is sexy!"

"That's strangely arousing…."

And so, for some ungodly reason, Lily Evans let Severus Snape have his dirty way with her. Right by the lake.

The End.

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**The first part is based on a story I read while ::awkward cough:: researching for this chapter. I don't really read Lily/Snape. I have trouble reading about Snape at all. But the story I ended up reading was extremely awkward and involved a truth potion and Lily finding out that Snape randomly loved her. The last bit was purely my imagination… unfortunately.**


	19. TomxHermione

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_The shortest Tom/Hermione ever, by request of _Do Re Mi 123_. Now you never have to read one!_

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Hermione Granger was on the run.

Lavender had threatened her with, _gasp_, a makeover. No matter what she said, Hermione could not convince her dorm mate that no makeover was needed.

Suddenly a mysterious potion came flying out of nowhere and landed smack on Hermione's face.

She gagged and then everything went black….

Hermione awoke to the sight of an unbelievably handsome young man. He had wavy black hair, inky black eyes that seemed to draw you in and drown you in their mysterious depths, and a smile that made girls for miles around swoon.

Hermione introduced herself to this complete stranger, not stopping to think that maybe in the future he might become a bloodthirsty villain who was out to get her best friend.

"I-I'm Tom, Tom Riddle," the boy said nervously, shyly flashing her the infamous grin that made girls for miles around swoon.

But swoon Hermione didn't.

She, with her awesome brainpower, had connected the dots. This Tom Riddle was the beast who would go on to become a bloodthirsty villain who was out to get her best friend! Oh the _humanity_.

But for some inexplicable reason, none of that mattered anymore. She could love him, she could _change_ him! He would no longer become a bloodthirsty villain who was out to get her best friend!

But suddenly, more mysterious potion came flying out of nowhere, startling Tom Riddle and his lady-love and sending said lady-love back to the future from whence she came.

When she woke once more, Hermione began to cry. But not for long because Voldemort was attacking the castle! No longer could she wallow in self-pity, for she held the keys to defeating the bloodthirsty villain who was out to get her best friend.

As soon as he saw her, Tom Riddle aka Voldemort aka the Big Bad Beastie stopped what he was doing. Mesmerized by her beauty, he was brought to his knees by the sheer memory of their time together.

"Mia!" – for that was what he had called her in the late 1940s—"Mia, I've missed you so! That five minutes I spent with you has never stopped haunting me! If you just kiss me, I'll leave your friend alone and go live in Bermuda!"

Hermione shrugged. "Ok, sounds cool."

And so the world was saved.

The End.

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**Wow, a chapter that didn't end in making out or other much dirtier things. Now let me explain. Many parts of this were heavily inspired by an absolutely horrible Tom/Hermione I read whilst I was bored. The well-written parts are entirely my own. **

**Now allow me to scare you silly: crap like this does actually exist. Even scarier: people review it and LOVE IT. **

**If you'd like to read the story this came from, let me know. I'll tell you where to find it. But I won't list it publicly… I don't want to embarrass anyone.**


	20. BlaisexHermione

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_The shortest Blaise/Hermione ever. Because I wanted to do it! _

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Blaise Zabini was a confused individual.

Despite the fact that canon had revealed that he was male, there were still those who had their doubts about him. Or her. "It," really.

And then there was It's appearance…. He/She/It was either a tall black boy or a tall sexy Italian boy with gorgeous olive skin or a tall sexy Greek boy with curly dark brunet hair or a short girl that no one bothers to describe.

But Hermione Granger was never confused. And besides that, she couldn't stand for anyone else to be confused either. But that was the nice part about being Hermione Granger: there was always someone to be enlightened.

So she brought Blaise Zabini to the library—the place where everyone goes to be un-confused.

She searched through stacks of books before crowing in triumph.

"Blaise!!! It says here in the canon that you're a tall black boy!" Hermione squealed.

"YES!" Blaise the boy said. "I HAVE AN IDENTITY!"

And so they snogged.

But that's not the end of _this_ story. Oh no.

The fanfiction writers were far from pleased with Hermione's revelation. So they retaliated by writing loads of nondescript-girl!Blaise and sexy-Italian!Blaise because, they argued, he just wasn't hot enough otherwise.

"WAIT!" Hermione yelled. "You're saying that nondescript-girl!Blaise is hot?"

The fanfiction writers were indignant.

"Some of us have problems!"

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**There's medication for that.**


	21. DobbyxWinky

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_The shortest Dobby/Winky ever. Because my mind is sick like that._

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Winky the House Elf possessed a sad and lonely soul. This made her sad. Poor Winky also possessed many a sad and lonely psychological complex which made it all the harder to relieve her sad and lonely soul. So she, like many other possessors of sad and lonely souls, drank her troubles away.

Dobby the House Elf, on the other hand, believed in liberation. The Great Harry Potter had liberated him and so Dobby passed the kindness on, liberating anything and everything.

One day, Dobby got it into his tiny little head to liberate Winky from her sad and lonely soul. Winky, upon the initial unveiling of the plan, was not a fan. However Dobby, having a way with words (ungrammatical as they may have been) soon convinced her that liberation was the way of the future.

Commence unnecessary House Elf smut.

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**Yeah that's right, I got into House Elf smut in 142 words. **

**So I'm really sorry about the delay… and I'm in college now, so I wouldn't expect regular updates any time soon. My only class for the day was cancelled (HURRAY!) so I decided to write a bit of Simply Put to amuse myself… because I have nothing better to do, like laundry or homework…. Right.**

**Reviews are like kittens, they make me smile :) **


	22. RemusxSirius

**Simply Put**

_The shortest Remus/Sirius ever, suggested by ThePerfectMess_.

Remus and Sirius had been best friends since they were eleven. (And when we say "best friends" we really mean Hetero-Life Partners, because, despite the fact that they were secretly attracted to each other, they would never do anything to ruin their friendship.)

However one day, as the Marauders lay drunkenly lounging in Gryffindor Tower (for lounge drunkenly they did, almost daily), Remus looked about him carefully, making sure that James was indeed passed out and Peter was indeed amusing himself by playing with his toes, before saying seriously, "Sirius, mate, buddy, pal. I love you, man. In a purely platonic, hetero-life partner sort of way, you know? But seriously, I love you."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, dude, stop making puns off my name."

"Got it."

"Besides, don't you get married to Tonks?"

"Yeah…. about that…. I love both of you."

And then they snuggled, in a very platonic hetero-life partner sort of way.

**Yeah, so, college. **

**But I received a review from **_**ThePerfectMess**_** this afternoon and let me just say, you inspired me to write a Remus/Sirius chapter. (That and I needed an excuse to use the phrase "hetero-life partners" in a non-offensive setting.) **


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